I Wouldn't Say I Was "Missing" The Meeting

That's my favorite line from Office Space. "I wouldn't say I was 'missing' the meeting." Well, I did not go to my Weight Watchers meeting this week but I didn't miss it, either. I gave myself the weekend off from everything I normally do - everything. I did other things that I enjoy and that I don't get to do often enough. I stayed on program (minus Thanksgiving day) and I enjoyed my weekend.

Not having a scale is irritating me a little bit. I keep putting on my clothes waiting for them to be bigger - or for old ones to fit. Nope. My measurements have not changed very much (not in the major places). I am having a 'old me' internal tantrum that is saying, "YOU ARE GAINING...you need to get on that scale every day and be sure you are on track." I am on program and am making healthy choices..why do I need the scale to tell me I'm on track? I don't! Still, there's something about that stupid piece of metal.

I so enjoyed Thanksgiving. I ate what I wanted all day long and it honestly wasn't that much. It was different things just not a lot of it. I was satisfied and didn't feel the need to carry Thanksgiving on into the weekend. Thursday was it. I was done. I feel great about it. On to December we go.

Spinach in a smoothie??? Say what?!

I was inspired by other weight loss blogs to blend a cup of spinach into this morning's smoothie. I was apprehensive but it worked. I couldn't taste the spinach and I added another vegetable to my day. Wow! Who knew? You learn something new every single day.

On another note, I am learning that one sweet leads to 10 sweets. No sweets keeps me on the straight and narrow. I am never going to tell you to never eat a carb or sweet again. They are so good and enjoyable. However, I find I am better able to control my food intake if I stay away from the sugary stuff most of the time. One bite leads to too many bites. I hope this will change at some point but for now it seems that avoiding them most of the time will be advantageous to reaching my goals. Dern.

Desperate times call for desperate measures - peach smoothie

I had an INSANE craving for ice cream last night. The fact that I have not had any ice cream in a month and am embracing the TOM is probably the cause. Regardless, it was overtaking me and I didn't have enough points left for ice cream. What's a girl to do? Get creative!

I had some light peaches made with Splenda. I have no idea when I bought these because I am not a fan of canned fruit but they were there and only 25 calories a bowl. I put 8 ounces of milk in the blender, two bowls of drained peaches, a packet of vanilla Carnation drink, cinnamon and ice. I blended it until fluffy and put it in the freezer for about an hour. Voila! Ice cream for four points (well, a little solid ice cream and a lot of smoothie). Delicious!

The best part is that I am no longer craving ice cream - it hit the spot.

I had the first of two thanksgiving dinners yesterday. It was wonderful - I enjoyed every bite. Today, I am bloated like a tick and am sucking down water at an alarming rate. I'm a little worried about Thursday Thanksgiving with only one day between Thanksgiving and weigh-in. Oh well - such is life when you join WW during the holidays.

I had the best thought yesterday - what if I come through the holidays 10 pounds LIGHTER! That would be a blast, right?! That's my plan - five more pounds by January 1st. I think it's doable. I do.

Are you looking to lose, maintain or ok with a gain this holiday season?!

Week 3 Weigh-In

YAHOOOO!!! I lost one pound this week. It isn't the five pounds I hoped for but it is much better than I anticipated. Goes to show that we have absolutely no idea what the scale is going to do...but I did meet my goals of activity, water, and tracking. Yea, me.

The first picture is how much I lost this week. The second is how much I have lost overall. I figured out after the first picture that I had my minus backwards...LOL.




This weekend is going to be something difficult to navigate. Three parties - a baby tea, dinner at a friend's house (should be fairly healthy), and then a Thanksgiving feast at a friend's home tomorrow after church. We figured out how much our usual Thanksgiving feast runs us points wise....let's just say I will need to earn 35 activity points to cover my two Thanksgiving feasts this week. AGGGH! Get moving girl.

I want to see another loss next week so what is a girl to do. Here's my plan:

1. Earn 35 Activity points
2. Eat lots of fresh fruits and veggies when I am in control of the menu - tons of salads, etc.
3. Drink lots of water
4. Eat a spoonful of everything at Thanksgiving and then stop, check my hunger, and figure out if I want to keep going. No need to eat it all if I'm satisifed.

Here we go with a fresh week. Thank you so much for coming here, reading, and leaving your incredibly encouraging comments. This accountability is HUGE!

The Breakfast Cookie

I promised to post the recipe for the breakfast cookie...it came from The Fitnessista. I love her blog - she make really healthy and very interesting food. I made this a couple of times before I realized it was NINE points. I could leave out the raisins and chocolate chips and bring it down to about four...but what fun would that be.

Give it a try sometime.

Hello Friday!

It is Friday. Oh how happy I am to see Friday this week. Unfortunately, I have overbooked my weekend so I will have to wait for next weekend for good rest. Drats! This week I have hated not having a scale but am glad I don't. I am a bit over points, traveled, and am close to TOM. That usually adds up to a gain on the scale. If a scale had been in my home, I would have weighed constantly and decided tonight if I would officially weigh-in or not.

To be honest, I am a little discouraged right now. I picked a really hard time to start this with all the travel and holiday activities. I am doing really well considering but I really want to LOSE weight not stay the same or shift a half pound this and that way. I want to stop finding every excuse in the book to not lose weight. There is this huge mental shift that needs to happen so that I start saying no when I know I should say no and knowing the right time to say yes.

On the bright side, I am eating so much healthier. Last night I had an egg-white omelet with tons of vegetables, a side of sliced tomatoes, a bowl of grapefruit, and some butternut squash. I needed to up my veggie intake. Another non-scale victory is how fast my bruise from the milk cart healed. The bruise was HORRIBLE and that usually means a good month or two before it heals. One week. It is completely gone. It has to be all the nutritious food I am eating. Has to be.

I am going to work on my mental rehearsing..reminding myself this is a healthy lifestyle and not a diet - it will take time. A new week starts tomorrow folks. Travel free....whew.

Back in the Saddle, Again

I'm home and back in the saddle, again. Whew. I am so tired. Does anyone else have trouble making healthy choices when they are tired? I just want to sit on the couch and eat ice cream and snooze. No worries. I am at work. I had a breakfast cookie that I saw on one of your blogs - I'm too tired to find which one right now but I thank you breakfast cookie blogger. It's delicious.

They are bringing in pizza for lunch but I say, "ENOUGH!" and I am having a black bean burger and some yogurt. I have to go shopping tonight to restock my produce. I'm thinking of having a chopped salad tonight..that sounds so good to me.

Just wanted to let you know that I am back home and back on program in the way I know works best for me. One downside - I am bloated like a tick. Does anyone else get this when they fly? You could seriously pop me. Psssstttt....

Off to get water to wash this bloat away...have a great day everyone! Embrace health!

Yesterday

Good news: I walked 11,000+ steps. That inlcuded a 30 minute walk around the parking lot and several laps around the lobby. I DID IT! Woo hoo.

Also, I have done much better here than I ever would have before. I have not had a single cookie, chocolate, chip or cake at break time. I have had tons of water - no soda of any kind. No alcohol - and there was tons to be had. Yesterday I could have done without the pecan pie and the chips at the Mexican restaurant. Still, it's a new day so I am moving on.

All in all, I am very proud of myself. I may not lose the five pounds I had hoped to lose but I did stay reasonable and healthy during a conference that could have knocked me out. Woo hoo!

I fly home tonight (can't wait - so tired). Tomorrow I am going to the store and plan to use my new chopper (will showcase it here soon). The gym is also on the agenda for the next two nights. Two long walks should really help.

The interesting thing is that I walked close to the same number of steps when I worked activity in here at the conference and when I consciously went for a long walk the other day. Go figure. Incremental activity does add up. Perhaps I'm excusing myself from moving more when I have consciously exercised. I need to think about this more.

I am wearing some super cute jeans today that my friend helped me pick out and I feel sassy. Go me. Ok, talk to you more later.

Really?!

Pot roast, mashed potatoes, gravied vegetables, and pecan pie for lunch - really?! What happened to the fresh vegetable, cous-cous lunch of last year? This place is killin' me...I gotta get out of here. I had about two bites of pot roast - all fat, all the mashed potatoes (about 1/2 a cup) and the veggies. They started with salad and had a salad and whole wheat roll. Yes, I ate the pie. What in the world?!

People, I am not triumphing here....I am definitely not doing as poorly as I normally would but I need to say no more. AGGGH! I can't wait to get home to modify my eating.

Siggh...

Day 4...Off to a Good Start

I love this thing. It is so helpful. It gives me an idea of how active I have been....no lying here. I am definitely getting in 10,000 steps today. Not sure how exactly but I am doing it.

This morning started out right - no more 15 point breakfasts. I had whole wheat toast, one wedge of laughing cow cheese and some micro thin ham for flava. Very tasty and filling and only 3 points. Add my coffee and we're up to 5 points for breakfast. I'll take it.

Here's to hoping we see some fruit for a snack. I decided to avoid the breakfast room at all costs - too much temptation. Breakfast is my favorite!

Now I have to go to the general session. More later!

Trip Day 3....Um...not the best

So today was definitely not the best day of this trip. I definitely used up all of my extra points so I have to take the reins these next few days. The day began with my hostess fixing me a delicious breakfast but WAY more than I would ever eat for breakfast on WW - 15 points. Lunch was at a wonderful Mexican place. I had some pulled pork tacos that was four tiny little corn tortillas with a plop of pork, salsa and black beans - I didn't eat the corn part for most of it. Dinner was finger food at a reception - I had one small plate (that bread and butter plate) but it wasn't the best food - mostly cocktail party from hell food. Somewhere along the way I had a bag of raw almonds. For dessert, we went to the Cheesecake Factory and I had a piece of original cheesecake - 8 points a slice - I ate about 6 points worth. I had 22 flex/activity points left for the week so those are wiped out but I'm still on track to kick this week in the teeth.

How about my goals:

1. Vegetables/Fruits - some for breakfast and lunch - not great
2. Water - done
3. 10,000 steps - Hit about 7,200...too tired to try for the rest and no time to exercise
4. Tracking - I haven't had time to track it online but I pretty much have the total in my head.

How am I going to move forward? I am going to take control of what I eat tomorrow. I kindly asked my hostess to not make breakfast - I'll make some whole wheat toast with laughing cow cheese and coffee. They should have fruit at the breakfast - I'll have some there. I'll try to load up on veggies at lunch and dinner - staying well within my points.

Still, I am doing so much better than I could - there were tons of brownies and snacks at break time and I only had one small plate tonight...

Here's to tomorrow being a new day! I almost forgot the best part - saw one of the guys from last year and he has lost 40 pounds on WW. He was so encouraging..looks great! Little encouragers are everywhere!

Day 2 Trip Update

Wow..what a day. I'm tired just thinking about it. I did get to sleep in (yipee) and we had a great breakfast - omelets with pumpkin muffins. I have a picture in here somewhere. Sunday was such a healthy day. Here's the update:

1. Water - Check and check - tons of water
2. Veggies/Fruits - Check and check - a big salad, an omelet loaded with veggies, homemade guac
3. Exercise - well doggie - four miles...can you believe it? My friend dupped me into walking the whole way around this lake here...my feet were screaming. Kickin' it...
4. Tracking - All marked down. I am eating over my points - I still have Flex points but they are dwindling quickly. The food part is really hard when you are a guest...the conference starts today so I have a bit more control....

I have pictures to post but not much time...will do though!

Thanks for the encouragement!

Day 1 Trip Check-in

How did I do today? GREAT! Did I meet my goals? YES! I also ate a lot of my flex points...but every last morsel was journalled. So, based on the criteria I laid out, how did I do?

1. Water - AT LEAST 64 ounces - check plus
2. More fruits and vegetables - check (maybe not a plus)
3. 10,000 steps - you betcha
4. Journaling - yes, 17 flex points later

Day 1 down. Whoop...take that trip.

Week 2 Weigh-In and My Plan

So, I gained .6 pounds. Oh well. I knew the scale was going to be up because I did not track and ate a lot on Saturday, maxed out my points, and did not exercise. That's ok..this is a new week. That's the magic of Weight Watchers....press ahead..forget what is behind...nothing is a failure, it is all an opportunity to learn and GROW.

Here's what I learned this week:

1. No days off...tracking no matter what I eat, when or where.

2. MOVE MORE....

3. Trim down the schedule

4. Have a plan and involve others if needed

5. Eat more vegetables - I was really low this week....eating down the pantry

I'm at the airport on my way to Austin. This is a huge challenge because I usually view any trip as a license to go hog-wild with my eating. My goal is to lose 5 pounds this week WITH a trip. How am I going to do this?

1. Track everyday.

2. Increase my vegetables - choose the fruit and vegetable options over the cookies, cakes, and breads.

3. Wear my pedometer and get my 10,000 steps - I may not be able to throw on my work-out clothes because we are tightly scheduled but I can wear my pedometer and pace, walk up stairs, and stroll until I hit 10,000 steps.

4. Drink nothing but water (and my morning coffee) - drink a lot of water

By the way, the snack above is from the airport. Apples, veggies with Ranch and cheese...all for 3 points! You can find healthy snacks when traveling if you look! I also have a south beach bar for 4 points. When I get off the plane, we are going for a long walk...so I need to fuel up! Tonight is sushi and you know we can do that point friendly.

I need you guys these next five days....keep me accountable...ask me about those steps, those veggies, that water. We are not using traveling as an excuse. Here we go!

Tomorrow is Weigh-in

I have about four blog readers and I don't want them to be upset and abandon me when they hear about my results at weigh-in tomorrow. I realize it's only week 2 and I should show up with a three pound loss...but I have barely made it through this week in the ballpark of my points. Life conspired against me...or I conspired against myself. Not sure which. I wasn't crazy eating..just not as vigilant as week 1.

What you should hold dear is that I committed to get up at the crack of dawn and weigh-in before my flight. I don't want to but I feel that bonded to my four readers. I will not let you down. No matter what that perky little thing tells me behind the counter, I will stand victorious knowing that I kept my word to you.

Together, we will at least show-up.

Why?

The psychology of eating fascinates me. Have you ever refused to eat at a place because you got food poisioning there? What about seeing something gross that caused you to stop eating there (a roach on your table, hair in your food, etc.)? Have you stopped eating the last thing you ate before your last stomach flu? For me, it is smoked trout, amaretto flavoring, strawberry Frappucinos and a particular salmon recipe. How are we able to steer clear of these things so easily? What is the psychological connection and why can't I seem to make it with ice cream, cookies, or any other binge-worthy or unhealthy food?

There are times that I feel AWFUL after eating. I get that, "I am way too full and am sick" feeling but I will eat that food again. I thought that maybe it was the level of enjoyment as I ate the food. However, I enjoyed the foods and places that made me sick until I got sick. It was at that point that I did not want them anymore.

There has to be some psychological and physiological trigger that shuts down our desire for a certain food based on experience. Why can't we put that in pill form and take it with our biggest red light foods? We wouldn't want them anymore and so they wouldn't be an issue. Granted, if eating is about more than the food, another food will pop-up to take its place.

These are just the random thoughts I'm having today. Did this make sense?

Mind Games

One of the problems with joining the same diet program 26 times is that you have mind games you play with yourself. For instance, I am going to Austin for a work conference. I leave on Saturday morning and come back on Wednesday night. I can make a really early meeting. However, I have been eating over my points this week. That makes me want to use my trip as an excuse to skip weigh-in on Saturday. That would allow me to free up my eating for a few days and then buckle down right before weigh-in. It's a mind game of justification.

Instead, I am going to try to pinpoint what has happened this week. If this is truly a learning experience leading toward a lifestyle and not a diet, I need to take the good and the bad together to create a winning approach to health for me. This week, I have been eating too many points midday and then I end up going over at night. I refuse to ignore hunger signals or to forego dinner because I ate too many points early in the day so I end up over points. I probably would be fine if I had not taken off Saturday at the lake. Lesson learned. If you take a day off, you have to be more aware during the week or you have to be ok with being over for the week knowing that this is a long haul approach.

So, I am writing this here because I am committed to weighing in. No matter what it says, this week has been a good one because I learned something that I can apply and move forward.

Now I have Austin ahead of me. I emailed the person I am staying with and told her that I wanted to make healthier choices and exercise in Austin. It's gorgeous there. She told me to wear my workout clothes on the plane. We will get off, go for a walk and then have a healthy snack before naps. An early dinner at a cool sushi place will wrap-up Saturday. Sunday we'll go to church, exercise, and maybe cook at her home. The rest of the time will be conference time but I'm not worried about that because the food was SO healthy last time. Apparently Austin is a healthy city. Who knew?

I am a little worried about 'off time' at nice restaurants with eager vendors. I must choose my battles. My goal this week is going to move away from weight loss to exercise in a new place, exercising my 'choice muscle' by making the healthiest choice possible, and focusing on water. For some reason I never drink enough water at these things.

Ok, I confessed my mind game. Are there any you are playing with yourself today?

Healing...

This picture has nothing to do with this post..but I want to keep the pictures coming...so here's a picture of two very dear ladies in my life. We threw an amazing 'Breakfast in Bed' shower in July for Laura...she got married...to an amazing man...in September...I read in the wedding. Love it!

I guess the picture has more to do with the post than I thought. So much about my journey to health has been about healing and I totally believe that the spiritual precedes the physical. I can change my physical appearance by hard work...blood, sweat, and tears...and I will feel a type of relief..but it won't be relief that brings peace. For two years I have just sort of hung out at my present weight. Not too much up. Not too much down. However, I have shed mountains of emotional baggage. Self-hatred. Rejection. Sorrow. Isolation. Inside, I feel 100 pounds lighter, I just want it to show on the outside. You see, the inside and outside matched before - I was miserable in both arenas. Now it doesn't. One is full of love and light..and it cannot continue to exist with the other. One has to give...and the outside will be it.

I can't wait to shed this weight but I don't need to shed it to feel good about myself. I feel great now. My frustration is with not having a matching inside and outside. One step at a time. One day at a time and soon the new Bethany will emerge. Woo hoo! Those ladies above, they have been huge in this healing journey. They represent a larger community who has loved me fiercely and honestly and I am so thankful for them!

Cool Whip

Yesterday was one of those days. I made the choice to go out to lunch instead of eating what I brought and everything seemed to go down hill from there. Have you had those days when your well-laid plan becomes road kill? I have no idea why. I just wanted to do something different. I am choosing not to panic or overthink this. I recorded everything and I am moving on.

To top off the day, I ate canned pumpkin mixed with Cool Whip lite and some spices. I enjoyed it but I made the mistake of looking past the calorie count to the ingredient list. "Why hello bowl of High Fructose Corn Syrup. No wonder you taste so good. You have been genetically modified to make me a crazy, sugar-loving freak." This has always been one of my gripes with Weight Watchers. It tends to drive me toward low-point, low-nutrient, highly manufactured foods. Don't get me wrong, fruits and vegetables are the best choices and they are the lowest points, but I seem to get into the, "I can have that processed food for 2 points and I don't feel like I'm dieting."

That seems counterintuitive to the process to me. I do lose weight and that does improve my health but I am not nourished or building healthy patterns. In fact, the damage those processed foods do is sabotaging my long-term goal of health and wholeness. They make me crave more sugar, set me up to binge because I can eat huge quantities for a small number of points, and leave me a jittery mess - completely unsatisified.

I need to remember this. I really need to remember this. One day at a time. One day at a time.

Warning: Healthy Eating Can Be Dangerous to Your Health

I just had to have the Organic Skim milk in the back of the refrigerator. It was too far for me to reach so I strained on my tippie toes when the rack of milk moved. Who knew it was on wheels? What would you do? Step forward? Of course, if there weren't a six inch lip on the case. In that instance, you careen toward the tile floor at the speed of light catching your entire body on your inner arm.

I laughed. What can you do? BUT IT HURT. Who knew eating healthy could be dangerous to your health?

Try This Burger

I love hamburgers but I don't want to roll out the grill everytime I want to make them. My broiled burgers were a little dry and lifeless so I created a really low-point, high flavor and moist burger. Best of all it's only three points. Add a slice of reduced fat cheese and serve it on a one point English Muffin and you have a satisfying and delicious meal for five points. Add a little bit of ketchup and mayo and you are up to six points.

Here's the recipe:

Bethy's Bodacious Burgers

1 pound lean ground beef or ground turkey breast

1 can diced tomatoes (whatever flavor you like - I have used almost every flavor)

1/4 cup Italian bread crumbs

Spices - all to taste:

McCormick's Montreal Steak Seasoning

Garlic powder

Salt

Pepper

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Grab a collander and drain the can of diced tomatoes. Get them as dry as possible - pat them with a paper towel and then empty them onto a layer of paper towels. Put the ground beef in a bowl, add the tomatoes, bread crumbs, and spices. Mix it with your hands until well combined. Pat out five burgers. Spray a broiler pan with non-stick spray (top and bottom portions), place burgers on pan, and cook for 5-7 minutes and then flip (be careful, they will fall apart easily at this point). Cook until done to your liking - about 10 minutes. If it smokes, you've gone too far (don't laugh, I've done it).

These burgers DO NOT dry out. You can heat them up in the microwave and they are just as tasty as first day. My roommate is very picky and adores these burgers...thank goodness it makes five!

Enjoy!

Fun Trip

I had a great trip. I am back and I am tired. I do not want to go to the store or prepare my food for next week but I will because I know I will feel so much better for the rest of the week if I do. I had so much fun this weekend. Yesterday was definitely a 'free day' - not something I want to make a habit of but did it this week. No counting yesterday. It wasn't a free for all. I had almonds and a latte for breakfast, a grilled cheese and bacon for lunch with tomato bisque, two chocolates for snack, Italian for dinner, and a scoop of ice cream for dessert. It's not a low point day but there were no outrageous portions or continual eat fests. I enjoyed it. Today, I am back to journaling- back on track and in the groove. This week I will cut back on using my Flex Points because I used 3/4 of them yesterday.

I used to go and weigh-in on Saturdays and then have a free for all until Tuesday. It semi-worked but it just reinforced the binge/deprive cycle that leads to disordered eating in my life. I loved last week - I had treat times sprinkled throughout the week and I never felt deprived. Sure, I had to consistently choose healthier options most of the week - better choices than my internal sugar/salt/fat freak prefers - but there were times when I said, "It's ok to use your points here. Go for it." I did and I enjoyed it and I moved on.

I feel so much more at peace this time. I want to eat healthier because I know it makes me feel better. Off I go to the store even though I want to take a nap. I could take a nap but then I won't sleep well tonight and that's another bad cycle. Instead, I'll prepare everything for the week and go to bed early. Bed early. Bed early. Bed early. Sounds so nice.

I hope you had a great weekend enjoying your life. Here's to another great week of healthy living!

Meeting Day

I went to the meeting this morning. Check out the pictuer to see what happened on the scale. I'm excited - of course - because I need to lose 100 pounds...correction - 95.4 pounds. However, I know I kicked butt this week and was satisfied no matter what the outcome was at the scale. Thank God.

An interesting note. The receptionist is SO nice. I got on the scale and she looked at the number. She said, "So, do you think you had a good week?" I said, "Yes, I had a really good week." She said, "Yes you did, you lost." I totally get it but that's the kind of thing that may be counterproductive...but I just said, "Thank you. It feels good to see it on the scale."

The meeting was about staying motivated to reach our goals. I could use that pep talk every 45 minutes in many areas of my life - spending, losing weight, or work. DO NOT GIVE UP on life. Live it. Press forward. Forget what is behind and push toward what is ahead. A very wise person said that once and I believe him.

I hope everyone out there is doing really well. I just had a hand full of almonds and a non-fat latte and now I am headed on a little road trip to see a dear friend. An overnighter. I can't wait!
See you tomorrow!

This Feeling...

I don't like this feeling. It's Friday night and I am hungry. I am out of points, it is cold outside, and I weigh-in tomorrow morning. I don't want to eat because I'm thinking through my dysfunction and it says, "If you eat now, you will not lose tomorrow." I hate this feeling.

I had a crazy, fun day. Our whole office went to our founder's farm. We had a great time being country - walking large fields, driving ATVs, target shooting, playing bocce ball and corn hole. We grilled lunch and just enjoyed being outside on an absolutely perfect Fall day. I ate well and moved a lot. I feel good about the day but I hate the game my mind is playing with me right now.

I want something warm and filling to eat. I'm tired and lonely and hungry and I want someting to eat. Only one of those reasons means I should eat. But what? It's just too much to think about right now....all the fresh air and sun have sapped every ounce of energy. Where is my private chef?

Coffee Smoothie

This morning I took my pumpkin smoothie and modified it. I removed the pumpkin and added coffee instead. I wanted a smoothie but did not have the time to drink a cup of coffee and have a smoothie. The coffee is a non-negotiable if I am going to avoid an afternoon headache. Can you believe it- one cup of coffee a day and I'm addicted. Ugh. Don't worry, I had this with a Jimmy D-Lite breakfast sandwich. I need a lot to get me going in the morning.

Coffee Smoothie
1 package sugar-free vanilla Carnation Instant Breakfast drink
1 cup of coffee
skim milk to taste
1 packet of splenda
cinnamon - I put cinnamon in my coffee to help ward off colon cancer, help with blood sugar stabilization, and because I love it! You can leave it out or put another spice in.

Combine coffee and milk, add ice cubes to cool. Add Carnation, Splenda, cinnamon and extra ice. Blend until frothy. Delicious.

The blending until frothy reminded me of a friend of mine from high school. Warning - this is going to be a Debbie Downer moment.

Do you all remember Alba 77? It was like Carnation instant breakfast. This friend was struggling with the early stages of anorexia at this point. She told me she put tons of ice cubes in her Alba 77 and blended it for five minutes to get as much volume as she could to keep her full all day. Instead of thinking this through logically and realizing that 77 calories was way too low for an active young girl, I thought through the eyes of my own eating disorder and said, "Wow. That's a great idea. I'm going to try that, too." And I did. I drank those Alaba 77 drinks for years until I understood how dysfunctional it was to fluff dehydrated milk up with ice in order to subvert hunger signals. This wasn't a snack - it was her daily bread. 77 calories.

My friend died of anoxeria at the age of 30. She fought for five years to undo the damage that 10+ years of malnutrition did to her body. It was too late. She was fed intravenously for years because she could no longer enjoy eating a meal. No, her intestines no longer functioned properly. She died from an infection brought on by the port that was put in her body to keep her alive.

For years I thought it all started with that stupid drink but now I know it didn't. Her wounds were already deeply carved in her heart and the disorder was a way for her to deal with the pain that a young girl was otherwise unable to process.

I wrote all of this because I do not want anyone to stop by this site and use anything here to fuel an eating disorder. I do not do crazy things like have smoothies all day long. I eat a very well-balanced, satisfying and fortifying diet. I know now that crazy and extreme diets don't work and they can actually kill someone when coupled with unrelenting emotional pain. I call it the 'perfect storm' - those conditions that align themselves perfectly to create an eating disorder. I hope Winning Thru Losing will encourage you to find health - mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health...and that you'll encourage me to do the same. I hope that you'll talk me down from the ledge when I get crazy...or offer you something unhealthy.

Thanks for letting me be Debbie Downer for a moment...I'm back up and at 'em.

The SCALE

This post has been brewing for 29 years. I was a normal sized child until the age of 7. That year I ballooned like a feature character in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. It wasn't subtle. It was dramatic - like someone pumped me up. For years I couldn't figure out why. As an adult, I know why. It's nothing I want to share on a blog.

My father has always struggled with his weight. My mother has only struggled with those 10 menopause pounds since her late 50s/early 60s. She was stick thin when I was a child and my three other siblings were completely normal sized. It was the 70s and she really had no idea what to do. I think she panicked a little bit. I can understand the tendency. Your child just gained 30 pounds on her little four foot frame and you have no idea why. I don't know what her first instinct was but I do remember the outcome - I was put on a diet. The Scarsdale diet. Just typing the words make me sick. She would periodically weigh me to see if we were making progress. From that moment on, that number on the scale was a mark of how well I was doing and how acceptable I was - to myself and others.

There are times when I have rebelled and ignored the scale completely. Those are the times when I have packed on 20, 30, and even 40 pounds. It would seem that the scale is the key to keeping me accountable then, right? Wrong. In those moments, I knew I was out of control and I didn't want accountability. The only time I approached the scale was when I knew I was ready to 'behave' with food. I was ready to pay the piper.

In those moments, I would weigh obsessively. In the morning naked - after I went to the bathroom, before anything went into my system. I would weigh when I came home from work - stripping down again to see how I did that day. It was glorious when I weighed the same or less than I did in the morning. I had a little freedom to eat because I had been so good. Then I would weigh before I went to bed - panicked by the extra three pounds I put on in three hours. I would think, "I went too far. Why didn't I just stay on track? What is wrong with me?"

There were other moments when I really was 'on program' and I would hop on and nothing had changed or, horror of horrors, I had GAINED weight. I would be so angry and feel so dejected. The world was conspiring against me. This conspiracy was why I was fat - I had done everything I could and the world refused to let me succeed. I was doomed. DOOMED. I might as well eat what I want. Why be deprived and still be fat? If I am doomed to being fat, I'll enjoy life. I'll pretend it doesn't matter. I'll go bake some cookies. That'll help. Up or down, the outcome was the same - a license to eat more food.

A little metal piece of equipment was absolutely ruling over me. I knew I wasn't being healthy mentally or physically but I needed it to define my worth. It's true. I could feel terrific but I would step on that scale and every ounce of joy left my body when it said my weight went up. I could feel awful but a scale moving down meant I was worthy. Worthy of what? Love. From myself. From my family. From others. From food.

Before I started this LAST time, I went through a very long period of introspection with God, myself, and others. There was one particular moment when the 'scales' dropped from my eyes. The scale does not determine my worth, loveability, or even success in living a healthy lifestyle. I must live a healthy lifestyle because I want to be fit, strong, and useful in this world. I want to have children someday and I want to be available to them. I want to enjoy and live my life. I don't need a number on a piece of metal to tell me if I'm doing that well. I know when I'm doing that well. I know when I'm making wise choices. I know when I am moving more. I know when I am using food as love rather than nourishment. I know when I have done the right thing and when I have done the wrong thing - with food, people, and myself. The scale dictates nothing.

I threw the scale away. I marched that piece of high-priced metal out to the curb and I threw it in that big Waste Management bin. VICTORY. It is gone. I considered asking my WW leader not to tell me what I weighed but to only tell me when I had reached major milestones but it seemed like too much explanation to share. Instead, I weighed in this week and it was forever before I looked at it. I didn't care.

This week has been hard because I find myself thinking and saying, "I BETTER LOSE WEIGHT OR I AM GOING TO LOSE MY MIND." I'm a work in progress. I need to remind myself that I'm making great choices and doing the right things and the scale does not matter. It's part of the program but it can't change the fact that I did a great job this week. Regardless of what it says, I know I have ROCKED IT and I have felt so much better because I have no scale to tell me otherwise. I have made great strides and I am loving myself well. I feel great. Scale, do what you may. I will be fine and will continue living a healthy lifestyle - either way. It's a great day!

Almost Derailed by Cuteness

I cannot resist baby feet. Will you please look at those perfect little toes? Deep breath. Ovaries, behave. I went to the hospital as planned but I stayed for TWO hours. That's right. TWO hours. Who else would have tickled the baby to get him to eat his bottles? Mom had both hands full. Dad was at work. Baby needed to eat so he can break of out jail..I mean the NICU. I did whatever I could to get him eating. Oh gosh I love that little chubby cheekster.

I left the hospital well after dinner time and I was HUNGRY. I realized that Chick-fil-A was nowhere near my route from the hospital to the gym so I decided to work-out on an empty stomach and have a pumpkin smoothie when I got home. I did have close to 1,000 calories for lunch and an extra 100 pounds...I think I can survice an extra hour without food. Gheesh.

You know what was great? I only thought ONCE about bagging the gym. Just once when I got in my car and my eyelids were heavy. No. I would just go home and sit on the couch and eat too much because I am too hungry. No ma'am. You are going to the gym, working out and then sitting on the couch with your pumpkin smoothie.

This is what it's like the LAST time. Right? Just so you know that I'm not lying - look at this cuteness.....and notice me wedged in the corner in the world's smallest hospital cubicle.

Yea, so....

My leader told me to eat all of my daily points and not to be afraid of my flex points. I thought about it after my post. If I don't eat my Flex Points today, I'll be eating them right before weigh-in. No ma'am. So, I ate most of them at lunch today.

We have a group lunch once a month and today was the day. Lunch itself was fairly good - Mexican soup with fresh salsa, avocado, etc. However, there was bread with cheese and I had half a piece of key lime pie and a big chocolate chip cookie. A high point day for sure! The key is for me not to panic but rather to be at peace with this decision and to know I am still working the program. No 'I had a cookie and some pie so I'll eat everything in sight' reactions. No ma'am. I enjoyed the points and I am moving on.

For dinner after my hospital visit, Chick-fil-A chargrilled chicken salad with fruit and water. After that I will get my work-out on and then head home for my first night home before 10 in a few days. I am soooo tired....need rest soon.

Here's to 25 point lunches...igggh.

Sometimes you need a taco...

I'm craving a taco...and am reminiscing about this particular taco...siggh...instead I eat my skinny bun and low-fat cheese sandwich....J Crew and Banana Republic, here I come...

In the Zone...

I am in the Weight Watchers zone. I am eating all my healthy guidelines, staying within my points and still have 19 Flex and Activity points left. I am a little scared to eat those extra points. I never was before. In fact, I usually ate them by day 2. What is happening to me?

I had to help my roommate this morning and so I had to leave early for work. I am going to visit a friend's baby in the hospital this afternoon but do not want to miss my workout. What did I do? Pack my gym bag so I can go straight there on my way home. Who is this person? I just realized I made no plan for dinner and I am really hungry by 5. Perhaps a Chick-fil-A grilled sammy is in order. We'll see. I just know I am going to trounce this week's weigh-in. Go me!

A huge blessing last night. A girl at church has been losing weight. She looks fantastic. She has amazing style and so I asked her, "Do you have any clothes that are too big that you'd like to pass down to me?" She said, "Yes! I just cleaned out my closet - I have Banana Republic, J Crew, etc." I got a little nervous because I have never even set foot in those stores for myself but I thought, "Take them, you'll need them later." She brought a HUGE bag of adorable clothes last night and some actually semi-fit. I should be able to wear about 1/4 of the bag by Christmas and then keep pulling from it as I lose weight. What a HUGE blessing.

Last night I really felt like I was on the right path and I would get in those clothes. Not a false sense of hope but a real sense of, "This is the last time, I'm doing it." This is so exciting and a little nerve-wracking because of my weight loss past. Oh well, I choose to forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead.

Off I go to move ahead...I hope you have a great day!

Day 4: Food obsessions...

I am slightly obsessed with black bean burgers on Thomas' whole grain slim liners...um, I have no idea what those things are called. I put on some low-fat cheese, a splash of spicy peanut sauce on fresh spinach and I am in black bean heaven for four points. I had one for breakfast AND lunch today. I do this with food. I get obsessed with a flavor sensation and I eat it over and over again until I don't want to see it anymore.

Past food obsessions include:

1. Garden burgers on an English muffin with spicy mustard and a slice of low-fat cheese.
2. Red beans and rice with turkey sausage
3. Low-point chili
4. Tator tots
5. Chick-fil-A Chargrilled Chicken (would just buy the chicken, no bun)
6. Starbucks steamed skim milk with sugar-free cinnamon shot (now called a 'Sweaty Cow' - spread it around)

By the way, I learned something important - pumpkin is an aggressive laxative. You have been forewarned. Make the pumpkin smoothie at your own risk. Weeeellll doggie.

Yesterday was a great day - I stayed within my points and was sugar treat free. That is a huge feat considering the fact that I was having four or five sugar treats a day. If I do not lose on the scale, I will throw the whole stack of trackers at the receptionist.

As for working out...Monday and Tuesday are my impossible days. I work early and do not get home until close to 10....so I have to downgrade my goal to five days a week. Monday and Tuesday are not doable until the new year. That's ok - five is great, too. More pictures soon...perhaps of me with a black bean burger...hmmm...

Day 3: Boundaries

Last night I realized that diversions to a healthy lifestyle are lurking around every corner. Parties. Last minute lunch invitations. A packed schedule. Treats from well-meaning co-workers. Trips. Fatique.

Another blogger noted that perfectionism is a big problem for a lot of overweight people. If the plan can't be done perfectly, why bother? If I trip up and go out for lunch and blow it, why not eat a bowl full of candy that afternoon? Isn't it all or nothing baby?

No. It isn't all or nothing. It's life and there are things we can't control. Sometimes emergencies happen. Sometimes there is only one opportunity to enjoy someone or something. Still, there is a lot about my life that I can control. I can stop saying yes to going out to lunch because I don't want a friend to be let down or I don't want to be left out. I can stop saying yes when I know one more thing in my schedule will stress me out or make healthy choices impossible. I can stop going to a party and ignoring my eating boundaries. I can go to bed when I am tired rather than watching another hour of TV. I can set a boundary with friends.

Sometimes saying yes when I want to say no is right...because I am an introvert (I get my energy by being alone) and can easily withdrawl. I don't want to lose weight in a vacumn because I will never be able to maintain it long term. However, there are other times that I just want to be liked and I don't want people to be upset with me. I want to make everyone else happy while I continue on in my totally unhealthy, co-dependent ways. This is my choice - I am not blaming others. However, I need to change my ways. I need to set boundaries. I need to learn to say no and to trust that my friends will still be my friends. I also need to find non-food ways of enjoying my friends.

Deep breath. This is not going to be easy but it is going to result in health and wholeness. I hope I still have friends at the end ; )

Thank God for Flex Points

Yea, well...Halloween. I was having a great day...totally in the zone. I planned out my breakfast, lunch and the dinner I would have at my be-fri's house. I still had seven points...one perk of being 100 pounds overweight - you get extra points on Weight Watchers. I feel bad for people who only have 20 points a day. I have no idea how they do it....I guess I'll better understand as I lose weight and retrain my appetite.

Anyway, I used some of my extra points on chips and salsa, some on a light beer, some on a tiny bag of Skittles, and one on a Weight Watchers one point bar thoughtfully brought by a friend. The seven were gone when I stepped through the door of party number two. There was some tension in the air between the two hostesses and I started eating like a lumber jack. 12 flex points later, I grabbed someone's baby and rocked her to sleep. They kept saying, "You are such a natural." I thought, "I am dying over here with the food, I need something to detract me from this food...so if rocking this child until I hit 50 works, we're going for it."

The bright side is that I tracked and counted it all. No more, "Oh, it's just the first day, I'll start over tomorrow." No, no, no. You have had enough first days little lady. We are doing this the way it is supposed to be done. Thank God for Flex Points!

I went to church this morning and then came home and made lunch. I have another party tonight - pints and potatoes. Everyone brings their favorite potato chip and beer and the host is making sliders. My goal - one slider, a serving size of chips, and one beer. That's definitely good party food and not over the top. I am also going to hit the treadmill or eliptical for an hour to get some extra points and to start a new committment to myself - to be active six days a week.

Have you ever noticed that the world conspires against your gym time? I will make a plan, get ready and then something will come up and I instantly ditch the gym. More sleep. Dinner with a friend. A quick errand I forgot to do. I need to get disciplined about protecting this hour every day. I need to exercise to stay sane - to lose this weight, to alleviate the aches and pains, and to keep my ticker ticking. This has got to be a part of my life..and that starts today.

Off I go!